I really wanted to be thoughtful tonight. Tomorrow is the last day of my last March Break of high school and I am not just not really handling things too well.
I am constantly reminded of high school experiences that I have missed, people I never got to know, friends I never made. It feels silly to regret that which was never meant to occur, but at the same time, I often wonder if I could have made an effort to be more of a teenager. Less responsible, more alive. I’ve had a lot of amazing experiences throughout high school, but at times, I also feel like I missed something. Something about that quintessential high school experience which makes it high school and not just another place to be for four years.
I won’t deny it. These past for years have been crazy. I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing yet, but I do think I’ll look back upon them fondly. Did I miss out on not partying as much as I could have? Maybe. Probably. Did I miss out by staying at home and being rather hermit-like? Perhaps. Potentially. Does it matter? I hope not. I’m so ready to graduate, it’s unfortunate. As Kira would say, second semester senior. SSS. We’re so ready to get out of here, a pride of lions standing in my way at the door on Commencement day wouldn’t be able to stop me.
Lady Gaga is playing and strangely enough, I don’t actually mind. I’m wearing contacts for the first time in ages and haven’t even changed out of the clothes I wore to the gym this morning. Gross, I know. I’m still ish-covered in flour, extremely thought-filled and kind of wistful. Actually, a lot of wistful.
I feel like for once in my life, I should just fall asleep on the couch and not bother with the consequences of waking up there the next morning. Or perhaps go out right now and just lie in the street for a little while, taking in the night air. Perhaps part of the reason I feel like I haven’t had the high school experience is because I haven’t really lived. I’ve been that kid who moans about work and just sits at her desk, well… distracted and only semi working. I’m the girl who stays up really late and accomplishes less than everything else. I’d rather put my time into perfecting blending skills on photoshop than finished off a chem lab. Or on facebook because finding out about how that cuba trip went is just so important? not.
It’s pretty though, isn’t it?
I don’t know. Maybe I feel like I’ve wasted away my high school years on silly things like academics, even though I don’t spend nearly as much time on that as I should. I look at some of the people I know and I wonder how they manage. I feel like right now would be the best time ever to lie in that field behind that park and just fall asleep there. No. I’m not handling this well at all. I get the strangest feelings of deja vu, because I know there will be many nights like this in the future. Early sunday mornings where I feel lost because I suddenly no longer have a purpose. I’m resigned to the fact that I’m studying for at least the next four years, if not another three years after that. But I don’t have a plan anymore. I have no expectations of myself, no idea where I want to end up with all of this.
I used to. I used to be so self assured and confident about what I wanted to do, even if the dreams I had were well beyond what was possible. I don’t have dreams right now. I have bitter reality at my fingertips. The realization that all the easy stuff has passed and now, there is actually life beyond school is a frightening reality. Furthermore, I don’t know how I’m going to do this alone… and it feels as though I’m going to be walking a very lonely road. Perhaps because I am an innately private person, or perhaps just because I am particularly good at isolating myself; yet I know that however it turns out, I will be quite alone in my journey toward where I am going.
I have often told myself solitude is probably for the best. And as for my habits, I am rather good at working alone. I like being alone. And I know myself well enough to say that people are a distraction. Not that I don’t enjoy distractions, but I do know that distractions are bad. Unless of course they are taking your mind off of dilemmas, in which case, a distraction is lovely. I could probably use a nice cute distraction just about now anyways, since I don’t particularly feel the need to continue the thought about how I am going to be alone for a nice long time.
I swear to merlin, I’m not usually this lacking in self-esteem, or that’s what it feels like right now. It just feels like I have very little to look forward to in the next couple years, or in life as a general rule. I need a dream, something that makes sense — something that gives me hope. I’m surrounded by brilliance on all four sides. My friends are people who will be successful, no matter the kinds of challenges that face them. And perhaps I will be too. Success, I know, isn’t beyond me. The question is far more interesting than the answer, however. What will I find success in? I cannot see myself being happy in a career. Careers are boring. Day-to-day jobs are boring, going out for coffee on a regular basis is boring; life is boring. Routine is useless and I find myself in one of those spinning doors with no exit. Boring. I no longer find the spin of the door fascinating; I have been observing it for too long. The people that come and go are the same all the time. The same conversations. The same motions. The same encouragements, words of advice and awkwardly phrased well-wishes. I’m so tired of people asking where I’m going for university. Everyone does it. It’s a conversation pretty much ever senior has to deal with, and it has to be the most boring conversation on the planet of the earth.
So yes, I’m bored. I’m also not ready to leave behind the people who have given me those same encouragements, and words of advice because those are the people who have lent me a shoulder to lean on when I needed it most. (Because you know, I just cry around people so often. [/sarcasm]) Holden Caulfield had a pretty interesting view on phoniness.
So it’s poignant tonight. I want my life back. I’m calling 1-800-lifebackplease and filing a complaint. I want a refund — I haven’t gotten enough out of this. When they were handing out passes for the weekend, someone skipped over my name. Not that I would trade what I have for the world, but I also would to see what would have happened. Chocolate on a motherfucking strawberry. What is it about tonight that makes me just want to run? It’s the end of a good day. I’m just confused, not appreciative enough of the people around me and obviously just being a teenage emo child. Barefoot in the shards of glass in the streets; snow barely melted and hot asphalt burning the cuts of blood.
Someone tell me, did I miss something? Through all the late nights, early mornings, caffeine runs and chocolate, kisses and hugs, vodka shots and late night tear drops, did I miss something?
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